Greetings from Algebra in Hell

Teacher notes for a math sub...

Good morning! And thanks for subbing my classes today! I’m just taking a breather so I can recharge the old batteries, then I’ll come back raring to go! Seriously, don’t worry. I’ve got great kiddos, and you should have no problems. Here’s some helpful information about my classes. I’m sure you’re going to have a great day!

1st Period: Algebra 1

This is a class of energetic and rambunctious freshmen! Please take attendance, then guide them to their online assignment. You don’t have access to the assignment, and I didn’t have time to print you a hard copy - sue me, but there’s only so many hours in a day, friend.

Anyway, trust me, they have an assignment, which they should finish today and submit online. Some will, some won’t. Some honestly don’t care. What can I say? Apathy is catching. Anyway I’ll deal with it when I get back. IF I get back. Kidding!

2nd Period: Algebra 1

Ditto 1st Period. Except for a student named Miles, who has “behavior issues,” as I’ve been told to refer to his obnoxious outbursts and cruel cynicism. He’ll likely do no work and may be a distraction to his classmates. Try to contain him and keep him focused. But PLEASE don’t touch him, or say anything hurtful, or really engage with him in ANY way. His mother will clobber us. (believe me one pending lawsuit is enough, but you didn’t hear that from me).

3rd Period: AP Calculus

These are all brainy upperclassmen so they should be self-sufficient or at least know better. But honestly if you can get them to stop writing on the desks and stealing my whiteboard markers I’ll be forever in your debt. Their assignment is again online. And again, sorry that I didn’t print you a hard copy. But really, do you understand Calculus? Anyhow, they usually know what to do.

4th Period: Prep

This is the hour in the day when I can “prep” for my classes. Grading papers, making lesson plans, contacting parents (oy, the parents). An hour? Are you kidding? Why no period called Rest, I wonder? I could really use that one. I mean god forbid we actually have a few minutes to put our feet up, am I right? Or get a snack? Or use the bathroom? Apparently we only get the 5-minute “passing period” between classes for that stuff. Pee whenever you can, is what I’ll tell you.

Sorry, I’m ranting. You’re actually supposed to check with the office this period to see if you’re needed elsewhere. You can try hiding out in my room, but trust me they’ll find you. Anyhow, if they do call you away, which they probably will, please come back. “The grass is greener” and all that, but really the other rooms are just as bad.

5th Period: Algebra 1 (get used to it)

Ditto 3rd Period. Minus Miles. Plus a girl named Stella. On a normal day Stella may be simply annoying, or she may lead a mutiny. Zany Stella. You’ll also have a co-teacher with you this period, named Ms. Baker (aka Ms. Bonkers). It’s true she’s a little unhinged, but she’s very good with Stella.

Lunch (30 whole minutes)

I know, late lunch. Enjoy it while you can. And don’t forget to pee.

6th Period: Algebra 2

Different class same drill: submit the online mystery assignment, no hard copy. Yada yada.

Look, this class is honestly perfect: a small number of students, who are all quiet, focused, caring and helpful. They often bring me Starbucks for that post-lunch, early afternoon slump (I don’t know where they ever got that idea). Please just let them be and don’t screw up this one good thing in my life.

7th Period: Wild Guess

More rambunctious freshmen - they just keep coming don’t they. Same old story, except that their online assignment is from last week, since we never get anything done during 7th period, and they’re perpetually behind. Look for Mr. Malpass across the hall if you need help calming the troops. He’s the young tall guy with a beard and a man bun, and the kids think he’s “chill.” He also thinks he’s god’s gift to Geometry, but that’s just me ranting again.

Otherwise just hang on and try not to stare at the clock.

And that’s it - easy peasy! I’ll skip the part about housekeeping, by the way. Seating charts, bathroom policy, cell phone use. Don’t even get me started on that last one.

In any event, if you make it to day’s end you’ll probably be exhausted. Well boo hoo. Multiply your fatigue by about a million and you’ll know what it’s like to be me.

I’m kidding. It’s not that bad, and I’m grateful for everything. And I’m reasonably certain I’ll be back tomorrow.

And thanks again for being here. You’re a star!